The Five People You'd Like to Meet in Heaven: The Final Episode

Act V

When I arrive back at the booth, I notice that St. Peter is back in his spot. However, he's arguing with someone at the desk. When I look closer, I realize it's Jimmy Mcmillan, the former gubernatorial candidate for the state of New York. From where I'm standing, it looks like it's getting fairly heated.

Jimmy: Now what kind of accommodations can I expect?

Peter: You get a mansion.

Jimmy: How much does it cost?

Peter: Actually, it doesn't cost anything.

Jimmy: I'm telling you  that the rent is too d--- high!

Peter: Jimmy, you're not allowed to say that here, and it doesn't cost a...

Jimmy: Say what?

Peter: You can't say that here.

Jimmy: I can't say that?

Peter: No, you can't say d---...oh, shoot. Look what you made me do now, Jimmy. You made me break the rules. Thanks so much.

Jimmy: I still say the rent is too d--- high.

Peter: There isn't any rent. You just agree to abide by the rules of heaven. We don't use any money up here, so you don't pay anything.

Jimmy: But if I follow the rules, can I tell people I'm from the Rent Is Too D--- High Party?

Peter: Only if you use a euphemism.

Jimmy: Alright. Do I get breakfast, lunch, and dinner?

Peter: You do not need breakfast, lunch, and dinner in heaven.

Jimmy: How come?

Peter: Because you're dead.

Jimmy: I can't be dead. I never took my gloves off.

Peter: Trust me, Jimmy. You're dead.

Jimmy: Look, I am a karate expert. You cannot tell me that I am dead. I can tell you that you are dead. I am not dead. I demand a roof over my head, money in my pocket, and breakfast, lunch, and dinner. And you wanna know why?

Peter: I'm not going to say it, Jimmy.

Jimmy: Because the rent is too d--- high!

Peter: Jimmy, you say that one more time, and I'm going to send you down the laundry chute. Either you stand by the rules or you cannot come in here. Understood?

Jimmy: Can I keep my beard and sideburns?

Peter: Uh, yes, you may.

Jimmy: Fine. I'll do it. But if you try to jack up my rent, you better know that I won't pay it. You wanna know why?

Peter: I'm pretty sure I know why.

Jimmy: Because the rent is too...high!

Peter: You got lucky there, Jimmy. If you'd slipped, you would have been out of here.



Jimmy walks away, jingling to keys of his new house and muttering something about getting married to a shoe Peter wipes the sweat off of his forehead and looks at me.

Peter: Oh, wonderful. An easy one.

Me: You look like you've had a day of it.

Peter: You wouldn't believe it if I told you.

Me: Tell me, and we'll see if I believe you or not. I'll ask you three times if you want.

Peter: No, once is enough.

Me: So, what's up?

Peter: Well, it started when James Harrison tackled Roger Goodell and sat on his face. I had to go break that ruckus up.

Me: Does that sort of thing happen frequently?

Peter: Only to Roger. Sometimes it takes a while for disgruntled players to get over their grudges. It got so bad that we had to move him to a secure facility where former NFL players aren't allowed. His only problem is staying inside the fences. Today, he put one toe outside of the gate, and Harrison made him pay for it.

Me: I hope he's okay.

Peter: Well, no one gets hurt in heaven, so Roger's fine. Harrison just likes to pretend that he's breaking Rog in half. No real harm done.

Me: Well, glad to hear that.

Peter: Then, Beethoven showed up and wanted to know how to get somewhere. I tried to explain, but he kept saying "Huh?" "Huh?" Slightly frustrating.

Me: I can imagine.

Peter: Of course, he's not as frustrating as Bill O' Reilly, though. All that man does is sit around and call people pinheads. The nerve. It's like listening to a tasteless Mark Twain with no imagination.

Me: (nodding in agreement)

Peter: And then, of course, Moses received an important epistle from Paul and lost it. Started to tear his mansion apart trying to find. I showed up to help him look and told him to stop being a basket case.

Me: What did he say?

Peter: He took offense to that remark and said I sure was high and mighty for someone who's needed in denial. Don't know where he would get that idea. But it is kind of like the pot calling the kettle black. He's been in denial himself, you know. It's was his mother's fault. He was in denial because of her. At least, that's what Freud said.

Me: Did you find it eventually?

Peter: Find what?

Me: The epistle.

Peter: Oh, yes. Nothing stays lost here for long. We're all about finding things. Even if it takes forty years of wandering around and looking, things don't stay lost. Except Robin Williams, of course. He's always been lost; even when he was alive, he was lost. Most of us are glad of it too. You can only take so many of his bad impressions and jokes before you want to tell him, "Get lost!" At which point, he yells back, "TOO LATE!" and runs away to bother someone else.

Me: That's too bad.

Peter: Then I took a trip over to the counseling center to check on Ernest and Sylvia just before coming back to the gates, and I ran into Nostradamus.

Me: What did he say?

Peter: It's always the same thing with him. He has no self-confidence anymore. All he does is moan annd ask, "Why doesn't anyone believe me?"

Me: Hmm.

Peter: And finally, there was Jimmy, and you saw what happened with him.

Me: Sounds like you could use a break.

Peter: It's not really as bad as I make it sound. Besides, someone has to do the work. If I don't do my part, I probably don't belong here. But you, you probably want to see your final person, correct?

Me: Yes, sir. I do.

Peter: And I think, if I remember correctly, you wanted to speak with Elvis?

Me: Yes, sir.

Peter: And I explained that we have no idea which one...


Suddenly, James runs up the window, out of breath.

Peter: James, what is going on?

James: We've found him!

Peter: Who?

James: Elvis Presley!

Peter: But how did you...

James: We ran paternity tests. We found Elvis' real father and tested everyone up here. We've found him!


Peter turns to me.

Peter: Well, it looks like you can have your interview after all. Did you still want to talk to him?

Me: Actually, I changed my mind. I really just wanted to talk to you for a while.

Peter: (smiling) Well, that's nice.

Me: You've helped me a lot. You and Charlie both have helped me. Cleared up my perspective on what heaven's supposed to be, and what I'm supposed to do annd how I need to act.

Peter: I'm glad we could help. By the way, did you notice how different Charlie looks whhen he's not in black and white?

Me: I did. I told him so.

Peter: Well, I wish you all the best anyway. Don't be a stranger. Come see us once you get settled in. Maybe we can find some work for you up here.

Me: I'll keep that in mind.

Peter: Have a good afterlife.

Me: Thanks. You too.