Wal-mart after Hours

Another day. Another dollar. Another puking child. My life recently. I thought we had left it all behind us, but no, we couldn't. Unable to pass up an opportunity to blend in with his other cousins, my other nephew has suddenly decided to throw up. Also, as in the case of the others this week, he waited until night-time to break it to his mother that he was indeed ill. I am not sure how he planned it with such precision, but I do know he pulled it off successfully.

Of course, his situation meant an emergency trip to the store for stomach flu prevention and decontamination supplies for his parents: tea and toothbrushes. Consequently, his father and I went to Walmart to purchase the necessary items.

We found more than we wanted to.

At the entrance, we scooted past an anemic looking bearded fellow who might have passed for Steven Spielberg's father about two hundred years ago. Too tired and grumpy perhaps to give us the traditional "Welcome to Wal-mart" greeting, he allowed us to pass unmolested (for which I am grateful). Then, I saw a man restocking coffee and salad dressing who, I am fairly certain, kept speaking with the mustard bottles. Not that I begrudge his right of free speech, but just because an animate object gives you the ability to feel less lonely at work does not mean it's begging for a conversation. Also in the tea aisle, we were stalked by an old hunch-backed witch with black stretch pants and painted brows; I quickly moved out of her way so as to give her no reason to put a hex on me.

On our way to find the toothbrushes, I saw the love-child of Quasimodo and Agnes Moorehead opening boxes of cheap Wal-mart apparel and sporting horn-rimmed glasses only Gary Larson (The Far Side artist) could really appreciate.

Walking listlessly up and down in the refrigeration area was the twin brother of Richard Gere (either that, or the man who ate Richard Gere and absorbed some of his physical features, which is probably more likely).

Then, an old cavewoman who apparently had stolen Jay Leno's chin and pasted it to her own face, along with a unibrow which was quite a bit higher on the right side than the left, was our cashier.

Finally, right before we left the store, we were passed by a group of four teenagers who seemed to be heading for the cracker and chips aisle for obvious reasons and a teenage zombie brunette wearing a baby-blue belly shirt and what appeared to be a glowstick necklace (or a neon green piece of garden hose; once again, I cannot be certain).

Now, I know what you're thinking right now. You're probably thinking, Hey, this guy is lying again.

Well, what can I say? You got me. I did not tell the complete truth. I may have refashioned reality in order to entertain, but here is the real story.

We actually went to buy Powerade, as well.

Happy now?