Game On!

One of my favorite games, if not my most favorite [Note: Most favorite as a lexical construction does not actually exist in correct usage but only as a colloquial slang expression intended to demonstrate the high regard held by an individual for a certain favorite thing. I use it here for that very purpose. I don't care what Brian Regan says about grape and cherry sno-cones, cherry cannot be more favorite than grape; that's like saying infinity plus one to indicate the enormity of a thing. Absolutes shun comparative and superlative forms] because it involves rapid-fire culinary creativity, not to mention it allows the players to indulge some of their (dare I say it?) diabolic proclivities, is the, what I like to call, the...well, I guess I haven't really called it anything yet. Hmm. I ought to call it something. Something cool. Something intriguing. Something like...The Food Game.

Okay, that's ridiculous. And it doesn't really say anything about what the game involves. Except food, of course. And the food isn't even real. You just think about it.

What about the Force-Your-Opponent-to-Salivate-beyond-Anything-He-or-She-Has-Ever-Salivated-before-Game?

Too descriptive and hard to remember.

Fine. Create-a-Cafeteria?

Getting warmer.

A through Dessert?

Getting colder. It should not be this hard. Keep thinking.

Why not Drool School?

Sounds like something written on the side of building or on a basketball backboard with yellow spray paint.

Meal Plan Magic?

Hmm. It smacks of Macdonald's advertising department, but I think it will do for the time being.

On to the rules of the game:

Now, the first time I played this game I was on a bus headed for Palermo from Trapani in Sicily. My friend and I went to a stalemate on that occasion, but I have played it many times since then, and I have generally emerged with the green wreath of laurels adorning my diminishing locks. Figuratively speaking, of course. Vae Victus.

The game is best played between two individuals. However, if a group of individuals wish to play together, the formation of a tournament bracket system might be in order to facilitate the whims of the entire mob.

Now, each player is given a turn of three minutes. In that time, each player must plan a full-course meal from start to finish. That includes an appetizer, a main course, a salad, a fruit, a side dish, and a dessert (Note: If you happen to play this game in Italy or with Italians or in the presence of Italians, you will also need to come up with a mandatory pasta plate in between the appetizer and the main course).

If one player is unable to finish in the allotted time, he or she loses. If they are both successful, they will each advance to round two. The same process will be followed, but all the dishes must be different and only two minutes will be allotted. The third round, if both finish in time, will be one minute long. If one cannot finish in time, he or she loses. If both fail, the one who planned the most courses in that round wins the game. If they both fail, the audience is allowed to vote on the overall quality of the courses throughout the game and whoever has the most votes wins. If both are successful, they must play a fourth round of 45 seconds. Each subsequent round will be reduced by 15 seconds. If one begins to drool because of the other one's culinary ideas, he or she automatically loses. If one pleads for the other to stop because he or she cannot endure the thought of all that delicious sustenance, he or she loses.

I will now provide an example of how to play this game.

Okay, go!

Player #1:

Appetizer: Fried melanzana (eggplant)
Pasta: Pasta a fagioli (pasta with beans)
Main course: Chicken cordon bleu with caciocavallo (provolone) and capocollo
Salad: Green salad with arugula, lettuce, fresh basil, Roma tomatoes, cucumber, lemon juice, salt and pepper
Fruit: Oranges
Side dish: French fries
Dessert: Coconut gelato

DING! That was very good. Let's see if Player #2 can do any better.

Player #2:

Appetizer: Artichokes, pearl onions, and mushrooms, preserved in olive oil
Pasta: Spaghettini with fresh plum tomatoes, chopped fresh basilico, and parmeggiano Reggiano
Main course: Pork chops, glazed with apple cider
Salad: Tomatoes and onions, with olive oil, mozzarella fresca, fresh basilico, and salt and pepper
Fruit: Apples
Side dish: Frittata with parmeggiano and...BEEP!

I'm sorry, but the time is up and you have lost. Player #1 is our champion.

But he started drooling! I saw it!

Anyway, it might lead to fist fights and chronic obesity, but Meal Plan Magic (egads, what a name) is a wonderful game to play at parties (specifically Food Network parties, in which you and all of your friends can get together and watch Everyday Italian with Giada de Laurentiis. I have parties like this frequently, but I'm the only one I invite. If I have Giada, I don't need anyone else). Also, if you and your spouse and your children want to create meal plan for the week, by all means this game is the perfect way to work it out. Come on. You can do it. Just carry a hanky to wipe your soggy chin and you can make communication fun again.