RUS?

Did you know that Instant Messenger, totally, has its own, like, language? And in order to be completely fluent in that language one must know, like, a gazillion different abbreviations? Like, for example, IDK means I Don't Know, IDC means I Don't Care, and IIABDFI means If It Ain't Broke, Don't Fix It. Like, it seems like the entire technological universe has suddenly shifted to this IM jargon, and those who don't know what the letters, like, stand for have to SU, :-), and DWI. Oh, d---. I meant to say Deal With It, not Drive While Intoxicated. My bad.

Actually, that's another obstacle I have run into with this abbreviated speech. I never know what not to abbreviate. For example, I wanted say Do You Mind? and I could not remember if it ought to be abbreviated. But I went ahead because I was in a hurry (Note: The unwritten rule is, and I'm sure there's an acronym for this, when you're late, abbreviate). Unfortunately, I picked the wrong phrase to shorten and ended up asking a deep personal question. Eek! TMI (Too Much Information). IHA! (I Hate Acronyms!)

The prevalence of mistakes while learning IM, as is often the case with learning other languages, often have interesting, unexpected, results. Once, I abbreviated I Think So, thinking that surely it would be correct. Such an frequently used phrase had to have an acronym.

Nope.

What I actually referred to, rather than a state of uncertain certainty, was an instance of intercourse via text message. Woops. I'll never make that mistake again. The frequency with which these mistakes happen reminds me of some of the verbal mishaps I had when I first began to learn Italian a few years ago. One time, I told an acquaintance that I had sex directly after my baptism when I was eight years old (Note: I was trying to scappato, but instead I said scopato, and that made all the difference). Another time, I tried to explain that I grew up on a farm, and I had big muscles because I used to wrestle cows. Only instead of "wrestle" I used the word for "nurse." You know, like a baby nurses its mother. Gee. That sure was...unexpected. Especially when everyone stared at me. One of the girls who was there teased me forever afterward by making a gesture like she was sucking on a make-believe cow's teat whenever she saw me. Even in church. Yikes.

Now, making mistakes, even the ones having to do with adult relations, is a natural part of the language learning process, but with digital lingo I'm not sure it's worth wading through the effort and embarassment involved in the process. In fact, I'm fairly certain it isn't.

Moreover, the long-term effect of using IM may, and probably will, prove detrimental to our society's ability to express itself in more than mere cliches, time-saving phrases, and acronyms. Imagine: what if John Milton had relied upon this techno-speak rather than the rich vernacular of the English language? That's right; Paradise Lost would have been published as PL, and it probably would have ended, not with the sweetness with which it appears now, but with Adam and Eve texting back and forth on their new Android phones in this manner:

(Note: I have also translated their messages for your convenience)

A: E, WDYT? (Eve, what do you think?)

E: IDK. WDYT, A? (I don't know. What do you think, Adam?)

A: IOH. & U? (I'm outta here. What about you?)

E: Ditto. (Same here.)

A: E? (Eve?)

E: huh? (What?)

A: :-) (smiley face)

E: ;-) (winking face)

A: wuz4dina? (What's for dinner?)

E: AP. (Apple pie.)

A: SLAP. (Sounds like a plan.)

E: A? (Adam?)

A: huh? (What?)

E: ILU. (I love you.)

A: ILU2, E. LUMTP. (I love you, too, Eve. Love you more than pie.)

As far as I'm concerned, I think I'll stick with this:

"They hand in hand with wandring steps and slow, / through Eden took thir solitarie way" (from John Milton's Paradise Lost).

Ultimately, I have to think that this shift to acronymic communication will eventually leave us UCWAP (Up a Creek Without A Paddle), IYKWIMAITYD (If You Know What I Mean And I Think You Do). I really shouldn't have to spell it out for you though. Are we so committed to this idea of time-saving that we are willing to sacrifice the beautiful complexities of our language in exchange for...

Oh, shoot, I have to go.

ADBB. TTYL. (All Done, Bye-Bye. Talk To You Later)