The big four of Thanksgiving are as follows: food, family, football, and...food (Note: That is not a typo; and I think you know why). After all, in between trough times, we chat with our family members or take turns angrily yelling or excitedly cheering at the TV screen through a mouthful of dressing and rolls because of some stupid mistake committed by some Dallas running back, fullback, tight end, wide receiver, quarterback, offensive lineman (offensive? I'll say) defensive lineman, linebacker, cornerback (Note: By the way, how did the Cowboys become a Thanksgiving tradition? Did Jerry Jones buy the holiday or something? It certainly would not be the first thing he screwed up).
The point is Thanksgiving is more than just a day for giving thanks. In fact, it's hardly about giving at all; personally, I think we should call it Thanksgetting, as in, "Thanks, I'm getting dosed up on tryptophan so I can take a nap in between football games," or "Thanks, I'm getting a day off work to lay around and veg on the sofa," or even "Thanks, I'm getting so bloated with dressing and pie and candied yams that I'll need to invest in a new pair of pants with an elastic waistband and a stretchy pair of blue suspenders." God bless America. Amen.
Now, because Thanksgiving is a day wherein everyone in this country comes two or three inches closer to developing a personal gravitational pull (Note: I find it somewhat ironic that an essential part of the holiday feast includes rolls, don't you?), I have something to add to your holiday solar system. And what would that be? you ask. As if we're not already going to be fat enough, you have something else for us to gorge ourselves on?
I certainly do, though the gorging part is entirely optional. Tasty snacks are always nice to have around the house because people tend to work up an appetite while watching football. You know, all of that lying around and such. Makes you hungry. So, I have two dip recipes that are perfect for tiding people over in between breakfast, dinner, and dessert.
Cheddar Bacon Dip (or as I like to call it, the Man Dip)
2 pkgs. lite cream cheese, softened
6 strips of bacons, cooked and crumbled
3 oz. sharp cheddar cheese, grated
1 tsp. Dijon mustard
2 Tbsp. lite mayonnaise
1 tsp. Worcestershire sauce
1 tsp. lemon juice
Parsley
Garlic powder
Salt
Pepper
Combine all the ingredients in a bowl large enough to contain all of the ingredients. That's very important, you see. Otherwise, you might lose half of the dip before you've gotten around to mixing. Next, mix the ingredients, which are hopefully still in the bowl and not on the counter. Sample right away on a Wheat-Thin. Then place in the fridge until it's seasoned. I mean it. Don't keep on sampling it. I'm warning you, stay out of the fridge until it's...hey, listen to me! Stop picking in the dip! That's not just for you! It will taste better if you wait anyway! Fine, have it your way. But you'll be sorry that you didn't listen when you've eaten the whole bowl of dip before Thanksgiving even gets here.
[Note: You will see that I said in the recipe to use lite this and lite that. Well, if you must know, that is merely a ruse to make you think that what you are eating is somewhat healthy. If you have already entered that deluded frame of mind, then you ought to look at the other ingredients in the dip. Using lite mayonnaise and lite cream cheese simply means that you will live one month longer than you would have if you had decided to use full-fat everything.]
Clam Dip
2 pkgs. lite cream cheese, softened
2-6 1/2 oz. cans of whole clams, drained into a bowl (you might want to save that for later)
1/4 teaspoon of Worcestershire sauce
2 Tbsp. lite mayonnaise
2 tsp. lemon juice
1/2 tsp. garlic powder
1 1/2 tsp. parsley flakes
Salt and pepper to taste
Once again, combine all of the ingredients in a bowl of suitable size to contain everything without spilling on the counter or the ground. This dip is too delicious to risk losing any. Mix until it looks mixed enough (Note: that means the cream cheese will have no lumps). If it's still a little too thick, which it often is, add three Tbsp. clam juice. You dumped it down the drain? I told you to save it. Fine, put in a little more mayonnaise, but not more than another half a tablespoon. Mix some more. And more. And more. Come on, how hard is it to mix? Mix! Mix, you fool! My grandma can mix better than that! (Note: She probably can't actually; it's just a figure of speech). Sample with a plain potato chip or Chicken-in-a-Biskit crackers to see if you need to add or adjust any of the ingredients. Put in the fridge until well-seasoned. Should be ready in a few hours. Best if left overnight.
Conclusion
Ultimately, you are going to spend the holiday eating a lot of things you normally wouldn't. Therefore, you ought to enjoy the day ingesting delicious food and snacks rather than worrying about a few lousy calories. Or, should I say a few thousand lousy calories? Really, the actual number of calories is irrelevant (I mean, come on; it's Thanksgiving after all); just eat the food and worry later about how you will rid yourself of the nasty little buggers clinging to your hips, buns, and waistline. And if, or when, someone sees you recline in your chair as you liberate your swollen abdomen from the leather constriction holding it all in place, and remarks rather loudly and dramatically at your billowing belly, "'Tis a rock--a--crag--a cape--a cape? say rather, a peninsula"; or "I recognize in you a man of parts, a man of prominence"; or, should he be delightfully literate and zany, he might even say, "Is this the [stomach] that launched a thousand ships, and burned the topless towers of Ilium?" But you, instead of being offended by such jabs, will reply through a delectable mouthful of bacon and cream cheese, "It is indeed; shall I unveil the monument?" (see Edmond Rostand's Cyrano de Bergerac).
No comments:
Post a Comment