What If Life...

Do you ever hear those silly people who talk about how much more they would like the world if something about it were changed or it functioned in a certain way? For example, they say things like, what if life were like a John Wayne movie? Or a Rocky movie? Or a professional wrestling match? Or a musical? What if life functioned like a game of fantasy football, where people use other people's work to compete against one another? Oh, wait. That's not hypothetical; that's corporate America. Ultimately, this hypothetical exercise yields some interesting results.

...Were a John Wayne Movie?

First of all, we could say good-bye to calling each other by the titles Mr. or Mrs. In a world with a John Wayne theme, everyone would just be called Pilgrim. Imagine that. Every time I would teach at school, the kids would have to call me Pilgrim Howard. "Hey, Pilgrim Howard," they would say, "what's going on in your life?" And I'd have to reply, "If I weren't so hung over, Pilgrim, I'd belt you in the mouth right now." Also, in that world, all of the cops would drive appaloosas, and the police chiefs would all be chronic alcoholics with black eye patches and drunken cats. Not to mention, you would go to see the Doc whenever by some chance you're sick or have a bullet lodged somewhere in your body, and they may or may not have had enough medical training to do something about it. In the end, they would dose you up with opiates and whiskey and send you on your way.

Hypothetical Rating: 3 stars


...Were a Professional Wrestling Match?

Let's discuss the cons first. First of all, every encounter with another individual would be extremely awkward because no matter where you look or who you speak with, everyone would be wearing a speedo, kind of like a worldwide swim meet. Imagine this (or don't if you'd rather not); you would go to work every day only to find your boss standing on your desk, wearing a black spandex speedo and calling you a jabroney for forgetting to empty your trash the day before. Then when you try to explain yourself, you end up being the victim of a chokeslam through a desk and are eventually beaten senseless with your own computer.
The pros, of course, are mainly that all of the violence is fake, so behind the choreographed facade we will actually have world peace. My question, though: would we still believe in the catch-phrase "peace at any price"? Or is the price of a blue-and-red speedo too rich for our blood?

Hypothetical Rating: 1/4 star


...Were a Rocky Movie?

For starters, in this world no one would understand each other, every issue will eventually end in a boxing match, and without the consent or approval of your wife or girlfriend or fiancee, you wouldn't be successful at anything. Also, as an unfortunate sidenote, in a Rockyworld, African-Americans would not allowed to win out in the end. And if by some chance they do, just wait; there would be a rematch, a sequel, or a big white Russian man on steroids meant to take them out and assure a white man's victory (see Rocky I-V).

(Note: If we ever do have to live in a world like this, I have some advice. Girls, if your Rockyworld boyfriend suggests that you go the zoo with him, perhaps to see the tigers 'cause they're his favorite, you need to suggest an alternative unless you really want to remember his crappy, incomprehensible proposal for the rest of your life. Also, if the guy does not know the difference between a condom and a condominium (see Rocky II), you are allowed to say no.)

Personally, I think the inherent racism present in a Rockyworld makes it wholly undesirable.

Hypothetical Rating: 0 Stars


...Were a Musical?

This one is a little more difficult to describe or rate because it is so broad. But its very broadness allows for a great deal of variety. For example, suppose it started raining. Everyone would immediately run outside and dance around in the street like no one was watching (see Singing in the Rain). No one would have self-esteem issues at all, and school counselors and psychologists would be extinct.

On the other hand, go to see a doctor there and he might just be flouncing around his office in leather lingerie (see The Rocky Horror Picture Show). Further, if the person you're dating in that world is wearing a mask, it's probably a good idea to break up before he teaches you how to sing really well and becomes obsessed with you, yada, yada, yada (At the very least, if you wanted to stay together, you should not take his mask off; he'll get angry if you take the mask off, and you won't like him when he's angry; see Phantom of the Opera).

Ultimately, the unparalleled diversity of this world would make it an exciting place to live; no would ever know when a trio of midshipmen would come running off of an aircraft carrier and start singing in the subway (see On the Town). On the other hand, hearing people sing about every little thing would quite possibly become annoying after a while. "I don't care if it's almost like being love, Gene; shut your piehole!" (see Brigadoon).

Hypothetical Rating: 1 1/2 stars

Conclusion

Two points: First, be careful what you wish for. Every conceivable world has issues because even in theory no perfect world exists. Second, we should stop wishing for a different world and do something to make our world a better place to be.