Holidays are a time for family. A time for giving. A time for unity. Holidays provide all those who recognize them with the opportunity to remember things which are significant in their past, present, and future.
That's all well and good, but unfortunately most holidays also come with their own baggage. It's not all fun and games and kicks and giggles and a barrel of monkeys. Just like many things, holidays eventually come to an end, and that's when the regret shows up. That's right. Regret.
No, that can't be, you say. I don't have any regrets after a holiday. "Oh, I think you do, Trebek" (Skit from Saturday Night Live). Christmas is an obvious one. People spend a lot of money they don't have to satisfy the desires othose closest to them, who will often take back the somewhat generous and long-thought-out presents to exchange for something they would rather have instead. The regret is not only spending a lot of money but also a lot of time in planning the gift. Here are some others:
Major Holidays
Holiday #1: New Year's. New Year's Eve and New Year's Day involve a lot of festivities, fun, and excitement. People ring in the new year with champagne and beer (Mormons use Martinelli's), stay up late to watch the clock strike twelve, and dance around like gorillas upon discovering that the new millenium didn't turn out to be Judgment Day (Don't worry, Y3K will be here before you know it). People also like to use the time to make resolutions and commitments, things like losing weight, running a marathon, doing genealogy, going skydiving, trying to break yourself of the habit of sucking your thumb because it's giving you buck teeth, etc. You know, things of that magnitude.
Regret: Making resolutions. As soon as we figure out that our resolutions involve a small amount of ambition and effort, we regret making them difficult and immediately set ourselves to amending them. Pretty soon, we have no resolutions at all and tell ourselves contentedly, "Oh well, there's always next year." Guess you'll end up with buck teeth after all.
Holiday #2: Valentine's Day. Have you ever been in a grocery store or a florist shop on Valentine's? They are entirely packed with desperate men who have screwed up with significant others at least once daily 364 days out of the previous year (365 if it's a Leap year) and are determined that this day, of all days, shall be perfect, even at the risk of being trampled by the hordes of other men who are also seeking a bouquet of flawless orchids or roses or lilies for the love of his life.
Regret: You tried to have two significant others this year. Oooh, that one's gonna cost you. Especially when they find out. Then they'll hunt you down and break up with you in front of all your friends. How embarassing, and on Valentine's Day, too. Good thing you had a backup, huh?
Holiday #3: Saint Patrick's Day. All of the Catholics wear green. All of the Protestants wear orange. And they go on wearing their separate colors from opposite sides of the same flag. But they have one thing in common on one day of the year. No, they don't all get together and eat Lucky Charms. No, no, nothing like that. They drink. And drink. And drink. And drink.
Regret: You forgot to wear green to school and everyone pinched you until you ran to the bathroom and locked yourself in a stall and massaged some feeling back into your arm. Turns out you boxers were green so you took your pants off and ran around the halls in your underwear. Instead of pinching you, Bernie Heilenschlosser not only succeeded in giving you an atomic wedgie but he also duct-taped you to the hood of the principal's car.
Holiday #4: April Fool's Day. I liked this one when I was growing up. Of course, no one liked the tricks that I played. I put rotten crabapples and rocks in front of the back door. I put tripwires between trees. I even set a mousetrap in front of the front door. That was an especially good one.
Regret: I was the one who accidentally stepped in the mousetrap. Yep, bare feet and all. I never played another trick.
Holiday #5: July 4th. Burgers. Bratwursts. Steak. Hot dogs. Polish sausages. Potato salad. Raspberry jello salad with carrots and cranberries and shrimp and shredded coconut and soy sauce. All of the things that make our country great. Not to mention the fireworks are spectacular.
Regret: You ate the the jello salad. Oh, and Uncle Billy's toupe caught on fire when he was lighting the final Roman candle. It was kind of cool how he looked like a sparkler running around like that, but you regretted laughing at him later. Admit it. You felt bad. You didn't? Well, you should have. And you still regret eating the salad.
Holiday #6: April 20th. I don't think I have to explain about that one.
Regret: You're the only who isn't taking multiple breaks and loving your job that day.
Holiday #7: Thanksgiving Day. The fare might be somewhat different than July 4th, but it still tastes great and there's more of it. Consequently, "you wanna eat an' eat an' eat an' eat until you die" (from film Disney's Fun and Fancy Free).
Regret: You ate an' ate an' ate an' ate until you wanted to die, but you couldn't. As a result, you slept very poorly and you now have acute constipation. Tums are good for the one, and milk of magnesia for the other. It won't get rid of the pain, but you'll sure feel better sooner.
Ultimately, regret is inevitable, but that should not be allowed to prevent us from celebrating the holidays in a way that makes us happy, even if it's only for a moment. I'm speaking in the socially appropriate things, of course. Maybe that child did not play with the toy you gave her for Christmas for more than a few minutes before moving on to something shinier, louder, softer. Maybe you felt like h--- after eating that entire turkey leg. Maybe that last glass of Martinelli's really went to your head and made you say some things that you wish you hadn't said. That's not the point though. The point is not even that the child was happy for a minute, or that the turkey tasted good, or that Martinelli's is always essential to a good time on New Year's Eve. The point is that you were with the people you love and made the most of the time you had with them. And that is how you avoid the regrets that actually matter.
No comments:
Post a Comment