Story of My Life

The other day, I was thinking (not a bad thing to do every once in a while, especially if you're into all of that introspective mumbo-jumbo), and a thought popped in my head (sometimes that happens unexpectedly; catches me off-guard, let me tell you): If I someday, for some reason, turned my life into a screenplay and put it out there for everyone to see, who would I cast as myself? As I pondered that question, other ideas, other serious questions, came to me along the way; for instance, who would I have play opposite me? would I want a soundtrack? what would my theme song be? and who would I sell the rights to?

Well, to tell the truth I have not yet decided everything yet, but I have batted around a few resolutions. My first two choices were Jimmy Stewart or John Wayne, but unfortunately that production will have to wait until the hereafter. Paul Giamatti would be a good choice, after all, he's funny, he's vibrant, and he's very, very bald, more's the pity, as I will be one day myself. "Oh me, oh life" (from Walt Whitman's "Oh Me, Oh Life"). On the other hand, there's the guy who played Macgyver, and he is quite the opposite (In fact, his extremely spiky mullet resembles a pile of roadkill doused in mousse). Also, if I had him play me, I could do just about anything I wanted, including freeing myself from a torture bed using only a long piece of metal and the dangling hand of a plastic prop skeleton to trip the lever which held my ropes in place, thereby allowing me to escape before a large wooden beam fell down and killed me. Not to mention, I could apprehend the cowboy/hitman responsible for my potential demise using only a fire hose which I had tied to an ascending elevator and wrapped around the scaffolding he was standing on with his sniper rifle awaiting a clear shot at his mark. Yes, indeed, he would be a great choice.

However, I think I would ultimately decide to cast Kiefer Sutherland instead. Overlooking his stirring performances in Stand by Me, Flatliners, and The Karate Kid, his portrayal of Jack Bauer puts him in a league of his own (Note: Not League of Their Own; that was Tom Hanks, silly). Not to mention his Phone Booth persona, which I would ask him to implement into his portrayal of me. "Isn't it funny? You hear a phone ring and it could be anybody. But, a ringing phone has to be answered, doesn't it?"

Now that's settled, but who will play the antagonist? Why, "by Grabthar's hammer" (from film Galaxy Quest) who else but Dr. Lazarus, Alan Rickman himself? He would be a great villain. He always is. Even when he's supposed to be a good guy, like Colonel Brandon in Sense and Sensibility, you still think he's eventually going to yell, "I'll cut your heart out with a spoon!" (from film Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves). Yes, indeed, Severus Snape will be my arch-rival.

Well, since it won't be a major production or epic, I imagine my life will probably be turned into a mini-series or a made-for-TV movie, like Joan of Arc or Jesse Stone (darn, I never even thought to have Tom Selleck play me. Oh well, I don't look good with a moustache anyway). Perhaps someday, someone, will even consider turning it into a Broadway musical, but hopefully that doesn't happen until after I'm clearly and dearly departed. I certainly wouldn't go to see it. How tearfully awkward would it be to see some homosexual man, muscle-bound and bald, carrying a pitchfork over his shoulder and prancing around the stage in a black leotard with holes in the knees, red-striped suspenders, and flashy orange irrigation boots, all the while singing about how he's glad to be my dad? Or how it wasn't a bother to be my father? P.U. At the very least, I only hope that Jim Sharman doesn't decide to cast him as a transexual farmer in leather coveralls on a dairy in Transylvania (see The Rocky Horror Picture Show). Cross your fingers.

So, if Broadway is not my first choice (and more than likely my last choice), who will be showing this little masterpiece? At first I thought, why not show it on the History Channel? After all, it would an extremely delicious documentary, I'm sure. But, on the other hand, I would probably opt to make up a large portion of the details in the movie, you know, just to spice it up a bit, and the History Channel would probably elect for something a little more, hmm, shall we say, uh, true. And I don't believe I could get it on Lifetime, either; after all, I don't intend to have a small-town, love-frustrated, middle-aged mistress anywhere along the way (If I did, I could call it The Post-Graduate: The Return of Mrs. Robinson and Helen Mirren could be the lead female role. Take that, Dustin Hoffman). TLC could be another choice, but since you have to be either a fashion expert, a baker, a little person, or a woman who pops fertility pills like they're coming out of a Pez dispenser before you can have your own show on TLC, I don't like my odds there, either. Perhaps I should just settle on Fox; after all, as Bart Simpson once so aptly pointed out, "They'll take anything."

So, I have only one question left: Will anyone, including me, want to watch this little gala? Hmm....

Nah.