Basketball Essentials

Now, I have been playing and watching basketball my whole life, and I happen to enjoy the sport immensely. I haven't always enjoyed it as much as I do now. Growing up, my brother used to play basketball with me; sometimes my little sister would play with us (she would be on his team because he was better than I was and that assured her a victory), but generally it was just me and my brother locked in mortal combat. Now, understand this: my brother has always been and will continue to be a superior athlete, therefore my whole life, minus one day, has passed in missed lay-ups, stolen dribbles, and blocked shots (after a while, the humiliation of being beaten time after time wore off simply because I became habituated to the idea of defeat). Though I must say, one day I did win 51-48 (we always played it first one to 50), but, of course, I only won because I had learned how to shoot a bank shot from the three-point line which was a cheap way to win (and obviously I still nearly didn't). My brother wouldn't stoop to such nonsense, but then again he didn't have to.

[Note: My sister, who apparently does not like being called my little sister (even though she is younger and smaller than I am), wants me to make it clear that she played on my team as well. She switched teams depending on who had the ball. Not that it makes a whole lot of difference because a team of my brother and her was still a lot better than a team of me and her. Consequently, she still picked up the wins. She also picked up a black eye once when we played baseball, but that's another story. A funy story, but another story regardless. Also, when I say that the previously mentioned was the only time I ever beat my brother in basketball (I never beat him in baseball), I mean when it was just him and me playing. My sister and I may have beaten him at some time, though I don't remember that]

So, "as I was about to say when truth broke in with all that matter of fact" (from Robert Frost's "Birches") about losing to my brother in basketball, tonight I had a few of the basic principles of basketball reaffirmed to me at the college basketball game I attended. Here are a few.

The Refs Are Always against the Home Team:

No matter how many they call on both sides of the floor, the referees are never able to call the game as the crowd or coaches would. Especially the crowd. However, that should be a relief to the refs because, should there be any doubt about what to do in a given situation, the crowd and the coaches know exactly  who to call the foul on. Just ask them. "His foot was not on the line!" "Hey, that foul was intentional!" "Ref, pull your head out and get your eyes checked! The guy was hacked!" See, they know what to do. Now, just do what they say and they won't boo you.

Hot Dogs Taste Better at a Game: 

I'm not a great fan of hot dogs. If I had a choice between a hot dog and something else, I would probably take something else. However, should I have the choice between eating a concession stand hot dog and not eating at all, I would gladly take the hot dog. Why? Because the hot dog actually tastes good at a basketball game. I'm not sure why this is; I only that it is. And if the hot dog comes with sweet relish and mustard and onions, that only adds to the deliciousness of the all beef frank which comes in a steamed bun and wrapped in foil. Of course, I was unable to have mustard and onions on my hot dog because the condiment container had been emptied by the other hot-dog eaters at the game, and two somewhat unapproachable females (unapproachable for various reasons which I will not relate) had permanently parked themselves in front of the onion bin. I was robbed and the whole world ought to know about it.

Halftime Entertainment Does Not Mean What It Says It Does:

The only thing true in the phrase "halftime entertainment" is the fact that whatever it is those dancing girls in their pink tank tops and white cargo pants think they are doing (which is generally a series of the same sub-standard hip-hop dance moves over and over) is taking place during the halftime break. However, entertainment it was not. in fact, this was the perfect time to go to the concession stand for my hot dog and Diet Coke.

Cheerleaders Come in All Shapes and Sizes, But Their Irritating Cheers and Pom-Pom Pushing Remains Constant:

I don't think anything more needs to be said on that. Except perhaps "GO! FIGHT! WIN!"

The Winner Has Real Victories; the Loser Has Moral Victories:

This only makes sense. You can't have the W; and the M comes right after the L. If only there were a tournament for teams with the most moral victories. There would so many teams in it that March Madness would roll right on through April Anxiety into May Mania.