Fallacies of Public Speaking

For a select number of people, public speaking is a tolerable, perhaps even enjoyable, pastime. For others, it is merely unpleasant. And for still others, the idea of speaking in front of a large crowd of peers or elders or both constitutes a real, honest-to-goodness, no-two-ways-about-it, my-word-it's-hot-in-here phobia to the point that they would rather die than be forced into such an undesirable position. And should they be forced into it, they would--an' you can bet your sweet bippy on this--faint dead away before uttering a single syllable. In brief, if it is true that the world is "a stage, where every man must play a part" (from William Shakespeare's The Merchant of Venice), these constitute the "poor player[s]" who tend more toward fretting than strutting and are never heard at all (see William Shakespeare's Macbeth).

Anxious to assist, those who have more experience with a mic and a podium dole out tips about how to successfully deliver a discourse. Some of this information is valuable and can be applied to almost any speech, things like adequate preparation, making notes, or memorization of quotations. However, some public speaking tidbits persist in common usage despite having no grounds for real utility.

Here are three such fallacies:


1. Telling a Joke

Personally, I don't subscribe to the belief that telling jokes or funny anecdotes is the best way to begin a speech. Not at all. In the first place, most jokes are either inappropriate or unfunny anyway. Not to mention, those who most need to tell jokes at the beginning of speech--in order to extinguish their own tension and condition of nervousness--are generally the ones who should not be telling them. Why? you ask. Because nervous people botch punchlines (scientific fact). Consequently, the jokes fail, no one laughs, and the speaker is more nervous than ever. Ah, the tension, the tension!

Some speakers try to come up activities or metaphors which they perceive--or misperceive--as hysterical or humorous. I remember hearing one person, many years ago, who compared speaking in public to vomiting: "You feel bad before, you feel awful during, and you feel great afterwards." How profound. Of course, at the time, I thought it was quite funny, but you must take into consideration that I was nine years old and at a time in my life when I happened to think that jokes about throwing up were the bees' knees. Not so anymore.

Here's another one: A speaker tells the audience to stand up, take a step sideways, and place a finger on their nose. "There you go," he says, chuckling at his comic genius, "You have been elevated, moved, and touched by what I said. I can sit down now."

Unfortunately, he didn't.

Was it funny? Of course it was. The first-graders were rolling in the aisles; too bad the paraplegics thought he was insensitive.


2. Putdowns

"I'm sorry, everyone, but I must apologize for my voice; you see, I've been sick and currently sound like a frog with no tonsils."

"You'll just have to bear with me; I don't do well in front of large groups. I might even get sick."

"Ladies and gentleman, I have gone blind because the light is shining too brightly off of Mr. Smith's forehead. Mr. Smith, would you mind dimming the light by putting on a hat?"

These are just a few of the possible putdowns in current usage. They have their variations, of course, but most of them seem to come back to this sort of mean-spiritedness, whether self-directed or otherwise. They are however, ultimately destructive as a segue into a speech for two reasons: 1) Either you sound like a jerk, or 2) you emanate a low opinion of your own abilities, which of course makes everyone want to hang on your every word. Both are negative and ineffective at best.


3. Imagine the Audience Naked

This one's been around since, well, since Adam, I guess (Of course, he didn't need any imagination at the time). Unfortunately, there are any number of things that can go wrong with this method, which make it undesirable when speaking. What do you mean, "go wrong"? you say. How it could it possibly fail?

Let's start with a scenario (I love scenarios): You've been invited to address an assembly of professional models, and you decide to picture them all without clothing. Sounds good, right? What's wrong with that? Well, for one, you are now the only dressed individual in the room. Don't you feel a little out of place? A little awkward maybe? You could try imagining yourself naked as well to blend in with the members of your audience, but I don't believe that you exposing your sagging love handles, spare tire, and scads of cellulite to a large crowd of lean, fit, beautiful, naked people, is going to decrease the tension. If anything, it will heighten your self-consciousness.

Of  course, not every crowd consists of models, but the principle remains always the same. For example, if you are the key-note speaker at the first day of fat camp, you will want to stay away from this method. After all, you don't want to notice how much you have in common with everyone else.

Oh, and heaven forbid you should try this at a family reunion. Ugh.

Conclusion

So, promise me, from now on, you will stick to what works: good preparation, good notes, and a good half of a bottle of Valium.