"You Told Me to, Drill Sergeant!"

Have you ever given much thought to what, more than anything else, can make you do things you might not otherwise do? I remember vividly when I was little my parents had scads of things they would do to motivate my siblings and me. To help us do our chores, they offered us money (for a limited time only). If we didn't do our schoolwork, we couldn't play computer games. If we said bad words or stuck our tongues out, we were dosed up with red pepper. Every once in a while, we received spankings for our naughtiness (they called it discipline back then instead of abuse), not often, but frequently enough that we could remember how much the previous paddling had stung. In fact, my mom once broke her wooden butter paddle over my backside, though, in her defense, I must say that it was probably due to the age and weakness of the wood, and not to her strength (or lack thereof) or the non-existent firmness of my bum. The paddle had simply outlived its usefulness and cracked on impact. It would have happened sooner or later anyway, and my backside just happened to be the means of its demise.

Now, of course, everyone is different, and as a result we are motivated by different things. For example, my mom used to have an old 45 (you know, one of those tiny vinyl records that folks used to listen to back in the day) called "Chicken Fat", an exercise program set to music designed to motivate children to be active and lose weight (by the way, for those of you who know what I'm talking about, the song "Chicken Fat" was sung by Robert Preston, also known for his role as Professor Harold Hill in the beloved-by-some-but-not-by-all-ye-gods-great-honk-I-think-he-means-poop musical The Music Man). Motivating? Well, they were supposed to be. "Touch down, every morning, ten times, not just now and then. Give that chicken fat back to the chickens and don't be a chicken again. No, don't be chicken again....Go, you chicken fat, go." And on and on. The song is meant to be motivational (I'm nearly 66% positive about that) and I have no doubt that, for some people, it could have been (by the way, you can find it on Youtube if you're curious about it). I don't find it particularly motivational; I only liked it because I thought the singing man was calling people "Chicken Fat". In my young mind, the song was beyond hysterical.

So what motivates us? Here are my projected top five most powerful motivators:

5. Pain

Yes, pain is a grand motivator. If it weren't, people would not seek help when they are ailing, stubborn cattle would never go inside the milking barn, and Jack Bauer would have been fired from CTU during the first season of 24. However, though we cannot deny its effectiveness as a source of motivation, we must also recognize that pain compared to other motivators has its limits. Zeus could not force Prometheus to surrender to him, despite the frequent visits of "Zeus's winged hound, the eagle red, / [tearing] great shreds of flesh from [him], a feaster / coming unbidden, every day: [Prometheus's] liver...his repast" (from Aeschylus's play Prometheus Bound). How many early Christians, when faced with the prospect of painful punishments such as being burned at the stake, receiving flagellations, or becoming lion fodder, refused to bend their beliefs or renounce their faith. In their minds, such a trade-off, namely the experience of earthly pain in exchange for eternal compensation was more than worth such agony. Yes, pain can make a person do many things, but it is not all-powerful by any means. My grandfather, despite the loss of cartilage in his knees, continued to walk and work and do for many years, regardless of the pain in his legs, which I am sure must have been extreme. Why did he continue to work through the pain? Because other, more greater motivators, such as his family and his work, were more important to him than his own comfort.


4. Ambition

Ambition, or motivation of self, by self, for self's own benefit, is a strong source of inspiration as well. If we look at the great leaders of the world, past and present, we see the fruits of said ambition, namely monarchies, aristocracies, republics, and dictatorships, led by individuals like Julius Caesar, Napoleon, Genghis Khan, and Hitler. However, when we observe the havoc that some have wreaked on theirs and other nations and populations, we also realize that the fruits of ambition, like "the wages of sin" (from Christopher Marlowe's Dr. Faustus), are too often death and destruction and despair, an inviting bunch of grapes too sour to be pleasant. Rather, they serve as the bitter dregs of reality which ferment a drowning world.


3. Matt Foley: "I am a motivational speaker"

Yes, I know he is a fictional individual, but nothing makes you want to do something with your life quite like listening to Chris Farley's SNL character talk about "getting back on the right track", "rolling doobies", and "living in a van down by the river." I watched it tonight, which motivated me to write about motivation in this post. Of course, writing about motivation is motivating me to watch Chris Farley's motivational speaker skit again, which will in turn motivate me to write more about motivation, which will....well, you get the point. I mean, where does it stop? "Dad, I wish you could just shut your big yapper!"


2. Love

Love of family, love of God, love of country: all sparkling facets of that great expression of emotion for which people will often give the greatest gift they have: life. But, believe it or not, even love is not the greatest of all motivators. Like pain, there is a limit to what people will do for love.

Blasphemy! scream the Christians. What about Jesus? they say, pulling their hair out like it's been beset by a swarm of crawling lice. He gave up everything because he loved us. Love should be #1.

If I were speaking of Jesus and the kind of love he has for us, I probably would have put it at the #1 spot. However, I am talking about human love. Human love, I am sorry to say, often has its boundaries. How many times have we heard a wife say to her husband, "Honey, I love you and everything, but if you get a tattoo on your chest that says Just Like Mama Makes, I will run away with the UPS man" (What, you've never heard that? Where the h--- have you been?). Of course, Meatloaf did say, "I will do anything for love," but he also amended that statement with "but I won't do that" (whatever that is; to this day, I don't know what that is. In fact, I'm not sure Meatloaf even knows what that is; he just knows he won't do it).

Therefore, love remains in the #2 spot. So what is our mighty #1 motivator? Drum roll, please.


1. Klondike Bar

What would you do for a Klondike Bar?