Human beings are obsessed with categorizing and defining and labeling, etc. We do it with everything. Animals and plants have their specific class, kingdom, phylum, genus, family, and so on. Animals can be invertabrates, mammals, reptiles, fish, amphibians, and birds. Fish can be meat-eaters or plankton-eaters...anyway, you get the point. We are driven by this idea of classification because we cannot stand the thought of someone or something existing without some sort of imposed restriction. We do the same with people. People are white and black and brown and green (that color of course depending on which planet they're from); they're Jewish or Christian or Muslim or Buddhist or Zoroastrian; they're American or European or Asian or Australian; they're male and female, young and old, bond and free, dumb and dumber, and so on ad nauseum. The problem is that we form groups, the subgroups, then sub-subgroups, then sub-sub-subgroups, until we've broken down each thing until it belongs in a microcosm all its own.
Such a waste of time and energy.
There must be an easier way to subdivide the terrestrial populace. We don't need millions and billions of groups and sub-groups; five or six might do the trick and then we won't have all of those definitions to worry about or keep track of.
In the spirit of this undertaking, I have devised a foolproof way to simplify all of these silly classifications, at least as far as people are concerned. We invite each individual into a room and have a nice chat. Maybe ask some questions. Based on our impressions and their answers and reactions during the conversation, we can divide them into the following five groups.
Group 1. The Smart Alecs
These sorts of people are always fun to converse with. They have delightfully creative and witty responses. Their heroes tend to be people like Bugs Bunny, The Animaniacs, Don Rickles, and Cary Elwes in Robin Hood: Men in Tights ("King? What king would that be? King Louie? King Kong? Larry King?").
As far as the Smart Alecs are concerned, even the simplest questions merit witty answers.
Q: What are you making?
A: A mess.
Q: Where are you going?
A: Crazy.
Q: What are you doing?
A: Your mom.
Oh, yes, and did I mention they tend to make every conversation about your mom?
Q: Why do have to make trouble?
A: Why does your mom make trouble?
Q: Do you need a ride?
A: Does your mom need a ride?
Okay, that was over the line, but, they are a delight, aren't they?
Group 2. The Answer-with-a-Questioners
The Answer-with-a-Questioners tend to be slightly paranoid. They think that every question is barbed with malice and tend toward entrapment of some kind. Never expect a direct answer from these people. Here are some examples:
Q: What are you doing?
A: Why do you want to know?
Q: Can't I ask a simple question?
A: Why do have to ask questions at all?
Q: Why are you being evasive?
A: Why are sticking your nose into what doesn't concern you?
Q: Can't I be involved in your life?
A: Can't you be involved in someone else's life?
Q: "I don't know if you're familiar with the belief that some aboriginal tribes hold. It's the concept that a photo might steal a part of your soul. What are your thoughts on that if someone gets his picture taken for a living?"
A: "Well I guess I would have to answer your question with another question. How many abo-diginals do you see modeling?" (from film Zoolander)
Group 3. The Pee-Wee Herman Fan Club
Ah, the Pee-Wee Herman Fan Club; my favorite. These people have slightly less imagination than the Answer-with-a-Questioners and less wit than the Smart Alecs. Also, they age mentally in reverse dog-years, so when they're 28 they can have an effective Battle-of-Wits with a 4-year-old. Well, let me show you:
Q: Isn't this salad great? I love this salad!
A: Well, if you love it so much why don't you marry it?
Q: Did you spill grape juice on the living room floor?
A: Did you spill grape juice on the living room floor?
Q: Why are you repeating what I say?
A: Why are you repeating what I say?
Q: You brat!
A: I know you are, but what am I? (Who's asking the questions now?)
Q: I going to tell Mom! Why are you being so immature?
A: Ha ha! That's the word of the day! Chairy, she just said the word of the day!
Group 4. The Meanies
Often, the Meanies don't even reply. If they do, watch out. They generally get defensive right away. Mess with them, and they will make you pay.
Q: How do I look?
A: Has anyone ever told you how nice you look in that dress?
Q: Oh, that's so sweet! No, no one has.
A: Oh, yeah? Well, good; I won't have to call anyone a liar then. So, let me tell you why no one has ever, EVER told you that you look good in that dress.
We don't need to continue with that one. I think we all know where it's going. The point is, do not, I repeat, do not ever ask these people a question if it concerns appearance because you might not like the answer.
Group 5. The Sincerely Nice
Oh, yes. These people are always, always, kind and helpful. They're helpful and sweet. They would never dream of saying anything mean at any time to anyone. It's not in their nature to be cruel. They say things that Cary Grant would say, things like "You know, that really is a wonderful dress, and you look wonderful in it." Yes, sir, Group 5, like Green Acres, is the place to be. At least, you might think so at first glance.
Unfortunately, according to the dictates of society and the eternal principle that nice guys (and gals) finish last (Why do you think I put them in group 5?), many people will find you boring and undesirable if you are a member of this group. Good luck.
So, go ahead. Pick your clique.
You've now been classified.
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