What If Life...: Episode 2

When I wrote the first segment of "What If Life..." back on November 20, 2010, I was not planning on writing a follow-up. In fact, that day I was experiencing a formidable wall of writer's block. At last, like a regular Joshua, I broke the wall down by making up a load of nonsense about worlds based on certain themes, like John Wayne and Rocky movies, musicals, and professional wrestling. It was all complete balderdash (like many of the things I write), but I did not care. I just needed to post something, and the idea of alternate worlds was something. At least, I thought it was something.

Then, the readership thought it was something. Really something.

Now, as an encore and because of my affection for the readership, I have decided to write another segment of "What If Life...".

I thought a while about possible themes. I thought, "How would a Food Network world be?" But it was too simple. In a Food Network world, we'd all talk like we were from Savannah, Georgia, brag about our shrimp an' grits and chicken-fried steak, and look like clones of Paula Dean. Like I said, too simple. But here are some other possibilities.

...Mr. Roger's Neighborhood?

Pros: This world has quite a bit to offer in the way of education, so all of the children here are quite bright. Everyone wears red and blue cardigans, takes off their penny loafers and puts on a pair of tennis shoes when they come home, and lives alone with only a family of puppets. It sounds fun, doesn't it? Well, maybe you should sing about it.

"It's a beautiful day in this neighborhood, it's a beautiful day for a neighbor, would you be mine, could you be mine, would you be my neighbor?"

Cons: Yes, "what a wonderful world" (from Louis Armstrong's "What a Wonderful World"). Until you find out that your lawn is actually made of green carpet, the houses in the neighborhood are all just models, and your puppet-roomies generally ignore you because they're all in the J room watching King Friday juggle who-knows-what. Does that make you angry? Well, maybe you should sing about it.

"What do you do with the mad that you feel, when you feel so mad you could bite? When the whole wide world seems, oh, so wrong, and nothing you do seems very right? What do you do, do you punch a bag? Do you pound some clay or some dough? Do you round up friends for a game of tag and see how fast you go?"

Do you feel better now? Excellent. Maybe you should sing about that...

Rating: 2 1/2 stars (despite all the singing)


...A Looney Tunes Cartoon?

Pros: In LooneyTunes world, guns don't kill people; knives don't kill people; dynamite doesn't kill people; rockets don't kill people; exploding carrots don't kill people; ACME anvils don't kill people; frying pans don't kill people (though they do change the shape of your head); and even falling off a cliff doesn't kill people (and even the fall itself could be avoid if Wile E. Coyote would remember not to look down). In fact, Chuck Norris doesn't even kill people in LooneyTunes world. In short, LooneyTunes world could very well be the safest place in the universe.

Cons: Most people there have speech impediments. You might not be able to say your r's or your l's. You might not be able to say an "s" without thpitting on thomeone, like Ron Howard in The Music Man. You might even have over-taxed vocal folds like Yosemite Sam.

Rating: Dethpite the thpeakin' problemth, I think itth a great plathe to thit and thtay. Theven thtarth!


...Forrest Gump?

Pros: Anyone can do anything they want in Forrest Gump world, just because their mama says they can and despite the fact that their legless lieutenant thinks they can't. Also, Mama will have lots of old sayings to pass on, and everyone has the chance to single-handedly change the course of history and moon Lyndon Baines Johnson. Further, in Forrest Gump world, everyone has crazy ping pong skills.

Cons: Mama dies. Best friend Bubba dies. Wanton slattern girlfriend who likes to share needles and--surprise!--dies and leaves her kid, who may or may not be yours. Thank goodness you're a naturally good individual (after all, you mow the high scholl football field for free, and how many would do that?).

Rating: Lieutenant Dan, how many stars should it have? Lieutenant Dan!


...An 80s Music Video?

Pros: Once again, we have a world that is quite diverse. It's always edgy and exciting. Dates are never boring becase you never know when the person you're with is suddenly going to turn into a zombie and start dancing around with his undead dance troupe (from Michael Jackson's "Thriller").

Cons: You never know when your date is going to turn into a zombie and start dancing with his undead dance troupe (Is there an echo in here?). Wait, there's the winged choir boys, the ninjas, dancing Native Americans (from Bonnie Tyler's "Total Eclipse of the Heart"), and cowboys laughing at nerds who are dressed in sleeveless black turtlenecks and red hats that look like overturned cereal bowls. "Crack that whip!" (from Devo's "Whip It"). Okay, who invited Boy George? Hold on; I'm confu...How does Pat Benetar manage to fight off her pimp by shaking her shoulders at him? (from "Love Is a Battlefield") I think I'm going to go hide now.

Rating: Let's just give it...Hey, stop cracking that whip! I'm trying to think. Never mind. 0 stars.