The Five People You'd Like to Meet in Heaven: Episode 3

Act III

I go back to tell St. Peter I am ready to speak with my third person. However, instead of St. Peter in the booth, I find Charlie Chaplin.

Me: Hello?

Charlie: Oh, good. It's you. I was waiting for you to come. Peter said you would.

Me: You can...talk?

Charlie: Of course, I can. Did you think I couldn't?

Me: Oh, it isn't that. I've just only seen you in the silent films though, so it's odd to hear you speak. By the way, has anyone ever told you how different you look when you aren't in black and white?

Charlie: Excuse me?

Me: I mean, you're just in white now, not in black and white. And why don't you have a mustache anymore?

Charlie: (whispering) You know, facial hair is kind of a delicate topic up here. They actually only allow full beards or clean-shaven faces for the men. I guess they let a few men in with trashy stashes a long time ago, but word got around that pedophiles had broken past security. They had to shave and it's been this way ever since.

Me: I understand.

Charlie: By the way, did you hear what happened earlier?

Me: No, I was busy. Talking to John Wayne, you know.

Charlie: Well, here's the scoop. We've been having to turn away people in the last few hours.

Me: Why?

Charlie: Uh, let's just call it the "looking back" phenomenon.

Me: What does that mean?

Charlie: Well, the main idea is this: people come to the gates and want to come in. And we try to accommodate them. However, as soon as they find out what they can't do in heaven, or what they have to give up, they decide they don't want to come in. This job can be fairly disheartening during those times. Especially considering the things they won't leave behind. Not even for heavenly bliss.

Me: For example?

Charlie: Well, today, the Verizon guy (you know, the nerdy one with the glasses) brought his whole network up here and wanted to come in. But as soon as he was through the gates, he said, "Can you hear me now? Sorry...sorry, what was that? Um, hello? Hello? Shoot, they can't hear me. Must not be a tower around here." He didn't stay, and neither did any of his network, except for the construction workers. Heaven knows why, but they did.

Me: That's too bad.

Charlie: Mm-hmm. And then of course there were the Gatlin Brothers.

Me: What happened to them?

Charlie: Peter told them we didn't have beer in heaven. The thought of prohibition sent them into withdrawals, and they split. It's really a shame. I mean, I'm not a fan of their music (I prefer ragtime) but I wish they had stayed. We'll take as many as we can find, if they're willing to observe the rules.

Me: Anyone else have a problem?

Charlie: Sure. All the time. Clark Gable was in here the other day. He came up to the booth and handed me his list. I said, "Mr. Gable, my mother is a huge admirer of yours." He said, "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a d---." I said, "Sorry, Mr. Gable, but you can't say that in heaven." He said, "Really? That's my best line. Forget this place." I kept his list though. Just for the autograph. I told my mom, and she cried for about ten years.

Me: Wow. That is some story.

Charlie: You have no idea. But the worst thing happened today. Michael Jackson showed up.

Me: Michael Jackson? The Michael Jackson?

Charlie: Yep. He said it was great to be here and he loved the decor. After all, white is his favorite color. We were fitting him for his robe, and he said, "What's with this robe?" Raphael told him that we all have to wear them. MJ got upset because he didn't want to give up his red jacket. We kept trying to convince him that he should relinquish it. Raphael even told him how great white looks on him (which we all thought would work), but MJ didn't want to listen. He moon-walked out of here so fast, I didn't even see him go.

Me: Oh, man, I'm sorry.

Charlie: Yeah, it makes this job really hard some times. Not to mention it would have been amazing to have the actual Michael Jackson at Michael Jackson Appreciation Night, but I guess that's why we keep records.

Me: What good do records do?

Charlie: Oh, not the paper kind; I mean the vinyl kind. LPs and 45s have great sound quality and they never get scratched up here. We like to listen to Thriller a lot. Do you know the Thriller dance?

Me: It's been a while, but I think so.

Charlie: Good, you should come. It's...well, I guess you would say it's at 8:00 p.m. on Friday, but we don't really keep time up here, you know. It's more out of habit or convenience when we do. And now you probably have heard enough from me. Who are you going to see next?

Me: It's on the list.

Charlie: Oh, yes. Let's see. (checks the list) Oh, this is nice. You want to see Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson.

Me: Well, I was a big fan during my teenage years. Just though it might be cool to hang out a little and talk.

Charlie: He's a nice guy. I'll have him over in a jiffy. Just a word to the wise: When The Rocks, no one else can. Have a great chat!


Forty years later, The Rock finally shows up.

Rock: Finally, The Rock has come back to...the interview room!

Me: Hi, Mr. The Rock.

Rock: So, what in the blue heaven do you want to talk to The Rock about?

Me: I just wanted....

Rock: It doesn't matter what you wanted to talk to The Rock about!

Me: Okay...then, I really...I, uh, okay...

Rock: Do you stutter? The Rock wants to know if you stutter. Tell The Rock if you stutter!

Me: No, I just...

Rock: Stop wasting The Rock's time then!

Me: Alright, Rock. I won't waste your time anymore.

Rock: Look, let the Rock tell you a little something. The Rock says this, alright? The Rock says this. The Rock says you should get a nice tall glass, fill it full of ice, and make yourself a nice tall glass of shut-up juice! And The Rock says this too. The Rock says you need to go back to St. Peter and ask for someone else to talk to, jabroney!

Me: Can...you even say that in heaven?

Rock: Jabroneys like you can't. The Rock can. You see, The Rock has a license to use the word "jabroney" anytime The Rock wants to use it, and if The Rock hears someone using The Rock's word without The Rock's say-so, The Rock can lay the smackdown on all of your candy...apples!

Me: I guess you couldn't get a license for that word, huh?

Rock: No, The Rock couldn't get a license for that word. You wanna know why? Because The Rock didn't want a license for that word. The Rock prefers to use euphemisms because The Rock thinks they're cool! If you smell...

Me: Um, can I say something?

Rock: Did you just interrupt The Rock? The Rock does not like being interupted. The Rock is the most electrifying man in sports entertainment and The Rock will not be interrupted by you, you beady-eyed, whisker-biscuit, bald-headed...guy! So why don't you go back to Supercuts and get your five dollars back, jabroney! If you smell what The Rock is cooking!

The Rock walks out of the room and slams the door so hard that The Rock almost pulls the door off of the hinges. Not that The Rock meant to slam the door, but The Rock is just so strong that The Rock couldn't help himself. Okay, I think I do need a glass of shut-up juice.