Act II
Having just finished my interview with Jimmy Stewart, I make my way back to the booth to see St. Peter
Me: Um, excuse me?
Peter: Yes? Oh, it's you again. How was your chat with Jimmy?
Me: Just fine, thank you. I'm ready to meet my second person now.
Peter: Alright. (begins looking through the papers on his desk) I know I put it in here somewhere. (opens and closes the drawers in his desk) I'm always losing things, you know.
Me: I hadn't noticed.
Peter: (holding the paper aloft) Ah! Here it is. Now it says you want to see....John Wayne.
Me: Yes, sir.
Peter: Well, that's going to take a little bit of time. He's out riding fences with Clint Eastwood and Gary Cooper. Checking for break-ins and vandalism and such.
Me: Vandalism? Break-ins? But who would....
Peter: Well, Molech and his gang up to no good ever since they left heaven a long time ago, but recently I think they've gotten tired of hell and want to try heaven again. John, Clint, and Gary are responsible for keeping them out of heaven and away from the walls. And when Molech and his boys are unsuccessful, which they always are, they generally try to spray paint the outer walls. You should have seen some of the dirty pictures they put on there last week. (wipes a tear) And they were such good boys once upon a time; I hate to see them ending up like this, but there's not a whole lot that can be done about it now. More's the pity.
Me: How soon will John be back?
Peter: A while maybe you should just listen to some music in the interview room while you wait.
Me: What kind of music do you have?
Peter: Oh, some of this, and some of that. We have assorted hymns, Handel's Messiah, Pink Floyd, anything from Bach....
Me: Wait a minute. Pink Floyd?
Peter: Of course.
Me: But how?
Peter: Have you ever listened to Pink Floyd?
Me: Yes.
Peter: Didn't "Echoes" and "Marooned" make you feel like you were in heaven?
Me: Come to think of it...
Peter: Exactly. Their only problem was getting here. Turns out they couldn't tell heaven from hell. So, Jacob went out and told them to come on in. Now they really have a great gig in the sky.
Me: Does that happen very often?
Peter: Does what happen very often?
Me: Needing to go out and bring people in?
Peter: Not really, but every once in a while it's necessary. A couple weeks ago Raphael saw Brett Favre out there trying to decide what he wanted to do.
Me: Is he here now?
Peter: Heaven no! He's still out there by himself, trying to make his mind, halted between two opinions. Most lukewarm quarterback I've ever seen.
Me: Okay, well then, I'll just be back in the room until John shows up.
Peter: Good boy. I'll send him in when he gets here.
Two thousand years later, the door opens. In walks a saddle-sore John Wayne.
John: Hello, pilgrim. You wanna see me?
Me: Yes, sir, Mr. Wayne.
John: Mr. Wayne? Mr. Wayne is Batman's father. You can call me John.
Me: Okey-dokey, John.
John: So, whaddya wanna see me about, pilgrim?
Me: I just have a couple questions for you.
John: Yeah?
Me: Why did you change your name?
John: In the first place, Marion Robert Morrison wasn't very tough sounding. Second, when a young kid like me has the initials MM, the other kids are bound to make up nicknames, which they did. When I turned six years old, they called me 6 millimeter. When I turned nine, I was M 'n M. And when turned twelve, they all called me "Mm-mm, good." So I changed it to something that couldn't be so easily mocked. One kid kept calling me Marion, so I belted him in the mouth. Told him, "You can call me John, you can call me Johnny, you can me a dirty son of a saint, but if you ever call me Marion again I'll finish this fight." I never had to though. So what's your other question, pilgrim?
Me: What made you decide to allow your character to get killed in The Cowboys? I watched it the other day, and I had to shut my eyes when Bruce Dern was shooting you in the back?
John: That's an interesting question, pilgrim. It was a heaven of a tough choice to let myself be shot in the back by someone like Bruce, especially considering his role in Support Your Local Sheriff. However, I figured it was about time I tried something a little different. Some people didn't like it, but I like to think it made for a better story. Got away from the formula, you know?
Me: Yes, I know.
John: Did you like it?
Me: I guess so. I mean, I would have preferred if you had lived to the end, but it was certainly a new take on the John Wayne as Superhero ideal.
John: Well, thanks.
Me: No problem.
John: Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to go back on patrol. Gotta keep those fence lines safe, pilgrim. Who knows? Maybe you'll be out there soon, too.
Me: I would like that.
John: So long, pilgrim.
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