"I Can Be Your Hero": Uh, Which One?

Life presents us all with a slew of difficult and probing questions, some fairly abstract, such as, Who are you? Where did you come from? Where are you going? Why are you here? Others are more concrete and immediate, like, Who is your favorite sports team? What do you want to be when you grow up? How many children do you plan on having? Are you in favor of a playoff system in college football or do you want to keep the bowl games as they are?


However, my favorite questions, and perhaps the most irrelevant and improbable, are the hypothetical ones. You know, questions like, If you had to lose a body part in a tragic accident, which one would it be? If you could bungee jump from anywhere, where would it you do it? If Lady Gaga were an infomercial, which one would she be? (Ginsu Steak knives, in case you were wondering).


One of the hypothetical questions which is not as cut-and-dried as the rest is, If you were a superhero or mutant, whose powers would you want? To me, it's almost impossible to answer. Well, let me rephrase that. It's almost impossible to give only one answer. For instance, I like the idea of having an adamantium skeleton and metal claws, but I'd also like to teleport. Without the purple skin and pointed tail, that is. Also, it would be nice to have Jean Gray's telekinetic and psychic powers, if one could somehow separate them from the orneriness and instability of the Phoenix (Does someone want chocolate?). Of course, if you are indecisive, you could always have Rogue's power and take everyone else's if you so choose, but you may accidentally kill them, too, and then no one would want to be your friend.


In the end, I always have to compromise by making a list of the top five mutants or superheroes whose powers I would choose to have (I'm always making lists, aren't I?).




5. Mystique


Pro: You can just about be anyone you want to be.


Con: You can't be yourself. After all, you're blue and scaly and that scares people. Not to mention, should you ever lose your powers, you'll be abandoned and left naked in the back of a semi-truck until the Feds show up and capture you. Tsk, tsk, tsk.


4. Batman


Pro: You're a millionaire. Correction: You're a billionaire. Wait a minute, this just in: You're a multi-billionaire. Pretty good, huh? Also, you have a lot of cool toys at your disposal. Not bad for a guy without mutant capabilities.


Con: You have to hang out with Robin and Batgirl sometimes. Also, you have to stand back and watch while George Clooney and Val Kilmer make hash out of your superhero legacy.


3. Spiderman


Pro: Your superior intellect and agility help you win out in the end. No matter what.


Con: You always get the h--- beat out of you first. Oh, well, comes with the job I guess. Of course, it doesn't help when Kingpin rounds up the Sinister Six to take care of you. Then you really receive a good, ol'-fashioned beatdown. Tough luck.


2. Beast, a.k.a Hank McCoy


Pro: You're strong. You're smarter than everyone, too. In fact, you could blend right in with the rest of the world if you weren't all blue and hairy.


Con: You're all blue and hairy. Also, you probably have to use a lint brush on your suits fifty times a day, if not more.


1. Superman


Pro: In theory, no one can beat you.


Con: In reality, no one can beat you. Except Doomsday. And Lex Luthor. And Zod. And his cronies. And Bizarro. And anyone with a certain green rock in their pocket. [By the way, does it not seem strange that kryptonite isn't that hard to find? Simply visit your local museum or corn field and you can receive the power to beat Superman (hey, that sounds like the introduction for an infomercial. "Gotta git us some more of that kryptonite, boys. It's selling like hot cakes! Everyone wants a piece of Superman's...". Never mind)].


Questions, questions, questions. We hear so many questions. Why are they so difficult to answer? Perhaps, and this is my opinion, perhaps some of them are not meant to be answered. Or, at least, not comfortably or quickly. Some questions, such as the one we have just answered, deserve time and introspection and rumination. If someone is pressing you for an immediate answer, you don't need to know right away and you can say so. For example, if your friend Bertha May asks you, "If you were a tree, what kind would you be?" You can look that girl in the eye and say, "Can I get back to you?"


Of course, she may not be the understanding type.


"No, you have to tell me now!" she screams, her voice crackling with fury and frustration at your lack of cooperation.


My advice: Tell the beech to wait.