"Say My Name, Say My Name": No, Don't Say It!

Have you ever noticed how possessive children are of their toys? If another child happens to pick up and play with a particularly precious Playskool product, well, (insert chuckle here) lights out.

"Get over here!" (from the video game Mortal Kombat)

The robbed child will automatically begin to grab and kick and shove and bite and punch and slap and scream mean things like "Mine!" and "Gimme it back!" and "AAAAAAAHHHHHH! MOOOMMMMYYYY!"

"Finish him!" (also from Mortal Kombat)

More than likely, the fiasco will end with one of the children, toy--now broken--in hand, standing over his opponent's body, having effectively inflicted major boo-boos and owies and other superfluous injuries in recovering the property which rightfully belongs to him or her.

"Flawless victory!" (also from Mortal Kombat)

I use this snapshot of normal childhood interaction to illustrate by way of analogy a common behavioral pattern among adults, specifically female adults and their attachment to--guess what?--baby names.

Now, I am certain that the female readership will be offended by such a comparison, so before you start papering my comment board with nasty, retaliating remarks, allow me to explain that the comparison is not a perfect analogy, nor did I intend it to be. After all, you are adults and are not likely to grab and kick and shove and bite and punch and slap and scream mean things like "Mine!" and "Gimme it back!" No, the real analogy lies in the intensity of the possessiveness.

Now, (I'm telling you, put the pitchfork down) think for a minute: Suppose you tell a friend that you intend on naming your children Melanie and Marvin. However, your friend is having a baby two months before you do and decides to use the name Marvin for her new boy, even though she knows good and well that it's yours. Do you congratulate her on her fine taste in baby names? (We all the know the answer to that, don't we?) Or do you resent that woman for stealing a name you have liked for over a decade and a half? Not to mention, if you name your child Marvin now, people will think that you are copying her and not the other way around, and that is unforgiveable.

Does that sound about right?

Thank you (My comment board thanks you too).

However, I am not indicating that such behavior is unjustified. People ought to be mutually respectful of other people's stuff, including baby names, and if someone commits the unpardonable sin of baby-name theft, well, feel free to black list that...person. However (and this is what my older sister is doing and I think it's smart), I suggest that if you have a certain number of names you like, don't tell them to anyone. If you absolutely don't want the other kids playing with your toys, just leave them in the toybox. Simple. Goodbye, resentment. "Go, go, I would not have you back again" (from film Sense and Sensibility).

Of course, if that doesn't appeal to you because you like being able to share your your names with other, you can either plan on eventual rancor or accept another alternative: plan on giving your children awful names. That way, no person (at least, no sane person) would want them. You can share those all you want without the least threat of a name-heist. In my freshman year of college, my German 101 teacher showed our class an interesting website for potential baby names. If you go to the Utah Baby Namer (found at http://wesclark.com/ubn/), you'll find all of the horribly creative names you want and more. And when you read it, remember: these are real names given to real children by real parents (not pet owners).

So are you going to keep your names under lock and key? Continue telling people your names and being bitter about it later? Or name your children things like Justan Tru, Whisper, Vinyl, Jarna Natzhalena, Zestpoole, Delightra, or Gladell? Because I can guarantee your children will be the only ones on your block (and outside of Utah) with those names (By the way, this is what happens when you put too much fluoride in the drinking water).

Consider this my miniscule contribution to added peace on earth.